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Talk:Shining Again/@comment-7410018-20150912074638
~spoilers~ Okay. You probably know that this is going to be long. So sorry. Prologue: Well, I do feel sad for Ice. I think he's growing on me, and it would be sweet to see him happy with Silver, Cherrypaw, and Rosepaw, but then that wouldn't make a very good story, would it? Chapter 1: I thought the rogues were weirdly welcoming of Rosepaw? It seemed a little rushed, but to be fair, there could be other reasons for this. Maybe their group needed more cats, or since they are the honor group they try to accept and take in everyone. I don't know. I like the name Kuria though. It's pretty. And I like her as a character too, I look forward to seeing more of her. Chapter 2: I actually looked up what language juht, teine, au, etc was in... Estonian? Never heard of the language, but this is a creative idea. It's better than giving traditional or uncreative names to the sections of a group. I would recommend calling the group the Au group rather than the au group though. I think the capitalization makes it clearer that that's the group name. I said I liked Kuria, and I like Taito too already, he seems cool. And I suspect he will be the love interest. Let's see if I'm right. Chapter 3: While the Estonian language thing is a great idea, it's still kind of hard to keep all of the terms straight, I kind of had a general idea of the most important ones throughout the story. It's still a good idea though. The quote about Ice dealing with pain was pretty powerful. And the interaction between Rosepaw and Kuria seems natural and well-written. I'm curious to know what the scream is. Chapter 4: Oh no, Kato. There wasn't much time to get attached to her, but you could really feel the panic of the cats in this scene. And I'm guessing Ice didn't actually do it, but I'm curious as to who did and why. But for a cat described as such a loving, understanding, and fair cat, Fano does seem to accuse Ice very quickly without much evidence. I don't know, maybe he's just distraught. I know that it's supposed to be unfair to Ice, but it sort of feels out of character. I thought that they took care of Ice way too fast, so it was better when Taito decided to start interrogating cats, and making sure that Ice was the murderer, even if he was biased and already thought he was the killer. It is kind of noticeable how Taito's character changes to be more serious and angry after Kato's death. And here you wrote "feckless", and I'm not sure if that's what you meant, or if you meant "reckless"? Either way, both fit. Right now I'm suspecting that the rogue group might start seeming more evil and unjust as time goes on. I'll see I guess. Chapter 5: Okay, I don't care if Taito lost his temper, I definitely ship Rose X Taito. It just seems so natural. And I like how you didn't make Rosepaw like only she-cats or only toms, we need more of those (bisexual/pansexual) characters and representation. Hm. I wonder what Silver has to say about the murders. And okay, they seem to be more reasonable with Ice at the end of the chapter. Chapter 6: The fox scent thing is a good idea for a coverup. But I felt Silver's death was a little bit sudden and written too quickly, and you should have focused more on Rosepaw's grief. After all, she had feelings for Silver once, and they were close. But you don't get to see enough of that sorrow. And how did Rosepaw mistake the feeling of the body of a dead cat for the feeling of a stick? I'm glad for more Rose X Taito though. Chapter 7: Okay, Ice's death was more unexpected- like, I think me and a lot of people wouldn't think you would kill off both Silver and Ice. But you did. And Ice's death was much better written than Silver's in my opinion. Rosepaw does seem legitimately sad about it, and even though Ice didn't start out as my favorite character, I'm sad that he's dead. That one passage about how Ice was a mystery and a joy etc was pretty powerful. I think his death was sadder as well because he never really achieved happiness. Writing about Ice's burial was a good move, and one I felt you should have used with Silver. I think the dream thing in italics was overall good, but a little bit confusing. It was a StarClan thing right? Or does Rosepaw have powers? Chapter 8: I admit that poppy seed dust is creative, but it just seems unrealistic for some reason. Like, that must have been pretty hard to execute- to somehow make dust out of tiny poppy seeds, get in a position somehow to hold all of it and dump it down on the rogue group undetected while not falling asleep themselves or wasting any- and I could go on, but you get my point. Please don't kill Taito though. Okay, this isn't helpful or constructive, but Claw's monologue really sounds like that of an anime character. It's kind of funny. Rosepaw certainly defeated him easily though. Chapter 9: Okay, is Kuria hinting that Taito is abusive, or that Taito is the murderer? Cause that would be too obvious. It doesn't seem like he would be the murderer. And you know, I still do ship Rose X Taito. Last moment? Oh no. Chapter 10: Okay, to be honest, I kind of guessed that Kuria was the murderer, but it's not like it was super obvious or anything, or too far off either. So I think that that plot point is good. And the way Kuria's personality shifts at that moment- it's appropriately disturbing and realistic. And this scene was really sad. I do ship Rose X Taito, like I've said a million times, but I can also see how Rose X Kuria could have really worked out too. I can have both ships if I want. This entire scene was heart wrenching, as I loved both Kuria and Taito. The scene where Kuria was sentenced to death was depressing, and I'm glad that you didn't describe the actual execution cause that would just be too much for me. But I also understand Rosepaw's anger. And it's bittersweet how she decides to go back to SageClan - I really got attached to the au rogue group. But at the same time, I'm happy that Rosepaw is returning to Cherrypaw. Epilogue: Well, I think this has a good ending. It corresponds with its prequel, and it gives Rosepaw some happiness to make up for all the tragedy. ~end spoilers~ So yeah, while I thought the first one was okay, I loved this one. It was pretty amazing, and it enthralled me from beginning to end. You really do have a lot of talent as a writer. I'll go put this on my reading list page.